Back up to 107 lbs. Crap.
My parents just developed a batch of photos of me (and why were these taken again? I am noticeably edging away) snapped just before Christmas of last year. Squinting, they ask, “Were these taken before you lost all that weight?”
The fact that they even need to ask means, quite obviously, “no.”
So, I am a walking “Before” picture. Just tonight I tried to vomit a dinner of meatballs, salad, and “primal” pumpkin pie, but three fingers down my throat later, I still failed miserably. My body, apparently, is extremely unwilling to give up food.
So I have programmed my phone calendar to remind me to do three 24-hour fasts over the next week. And that’s how we do Paleo in the year 2008, bitches.
Yes, I am a bit too far gone to just “eat less and enjoy the foods I eat.” Yes, it’s obsessive compulsive. This past week, I tried to swear off analyzing my food intake on Fitday and weighing myself twice daily. In the meantime, I kept imagining my visceral fat growing in mass, parasitically choking off my internal organs. So, now what?
So, despite no sexual partners to speak of and no appreciably lowered percentage of body fat (I can see, ever so vaguely, where my lowest floating rib should be, but sadly no ab muscles to speak of…and yes, I can do the boob-pencil trick), I haven’t actually had my period since late August. I’m guessing my body has just given up on the prospect of ever supporting another life, and I am going into early menopause. Perhaps we can throw me a party?
In the meantime, I’ve been trying out various sugar-free, gluten-free pie recipes in the name of Thanksgiving and am now closer to 107 lbs than 105 lbs. If this doesn’t put a stop to early bone density loss, I don’t know what will. If not, someone please euthanize me soon so I can leave a not-so-hideous corpse? kthxbye.
Still feel soft and like a “thick ethnic girl.” I am closer to 106 lbs than 105 today. I can see (just barely) the bottom outline of my ribcage (my floating ribs?), but no ab definition yet.
Yesterday’s dinner was lamb shanks and spinach and wine. Oh, so good. Then, a quick 24-hour fast later, and — surprise! — mom cooked lamb chops (and carrots) tonight! I love lamb. So cute, so cuddly, so delicious.
I’m curious about mutton, but I think it went out of fashion with, like, the Pilgrims.
I was reading through Zen Habits when I remembered a Zilpha Keatley Snyder quote from my youth:
“Know all the Questions, but not the Answers
Look for the Different, instead of the Same
Never Walk where there’s room for Running
Don’t do anything that can’t be a Game”
– Zilpha Keatley Snyder (The Changeling)
The Changeling is my favorite young adult novel by Zilpha Keatley Snyder, though I believe she is more famous for The Egypt Game. The Changeling is a more melancholy book, but pleasantly lacking in melodramatic tragedy. I’d describe it, but I wouldn’t do it justice. It’s a quick read, for all its emotional weight, so if you’re interested, you should just check it out for yourself. 🙂